Writing to make sense of the chaos.
When I was in High School in the Land of Bells, a creative writing instructor gave the class a very interesting assignment. He wanted us to write about something important that we were going through in our lives for a personal essay. I chose to write about a friend struggling with a terminal illness, and my uncertainty as to when he would leave the planet, and how to be a good friend to him. When the instructor read my draft, he said he had no problem with the quality of the story, but actively wondered why I had chosen such a hard topic to write about. In my unfiltered naivety, I didn’t hesitate to reply with the truth. I told him that I had to write the story, that for me it wasn’t a choice, that the reason I wrote at all, not just that story, but every one that I had ever put to paper, was to make sense of something that didn’t make sense otherwise. I wrote to make sense of chaos. Roughly two decades later, and what seems like galaxies of chaos accumulated, I am attempting to get back to that truth. As protections for myself, my communities, and others on the margins become more uncertain, I want to write about the things that scare me, the things that I struggle with, because maybe if I put pen to Paper (this is a little bit more of a metaphorical statement, considering I am writing digitally,) I can find some kind of sense in it all.
Not just the bad chaos either.
Chaos does not always have to be a destructive force. Just look at mythology, for example. In Hinduism Shiva created and destroyed the world by dancing so fervently that the ground opened and reformed beneath him. Pan played music and bonded with nature, while at the same time sewing mischief amongst the gods. While I don’t claim to be a deity of any sort, nor do I subscribe to any religion, it’s worth noting that I want to cause the good kind of chaos, and acknowledge that force in my life. I’m very different from that boy in that senior high school class; I’m now, an Uncle, a home renter, a peer support crisis line volunteer, an aspiring artist, disability advocate, GL BT+ rights agitator, and so much more. I’m actively transitioning every day into the kind of man I want to be; creating my own masculinity, while at the same time having the unique circumstance of being seen as a beautiful girl for the first half of my life. If all this is not chaotic, I’m not sure I know the definition of the word. As I write this, it hits home how grateful I am for all the experiences that have shaped me. I want to share some of those experiences with readers, remembering the joy in my life, even with in all of the dark moments.
Sometimes online you find exactly what you didn’t know you were looking for.
A couple days ago I was looking for anything to remember my deceased sister. (She will be referred to throughout the blog as That_Darling_underground_ghost) I remember her telling me at some point that she had a blog, using my medium-sized Internet search skills and morbid curiosity, I was able to find it. There on the most recent page, there was a wedding photo of her with a rainbow filter over top of it. The caption underneath of it, celebrated in her typically piquant style, the fact that it was about time that same-sex couples were recognized in the eyes of the law. Now all that was needed was for religious institutions to be willing to officiate them. She also let her readers know that her life was not collapsing because of this development, rather, it was becoming enriched. She was honored to stand alongside the queer community and celebrate the victory with them. At the time of the posting, I had no idea that her marriage even coincided with that Colossal historical event, much less that she had felt moved enough to include it in her blog, along with her personal sentiments. I’m not saying I didn’t know my sister was an ally, I just didn’t know she wanted to publicly be one. It made me feel that even though we had our differences, I could now see concrete evidence of not being alone. As I scrolled through the blog, I realized that That_Darling_underground_Ghost, wasn’t simply yelling into the void, she was trying to create community. She was trying to let people know that they weren't alone. As someone who works in crisis work, I spend a large amount of my time mining for Community Led Resources. As I’m sure many of you know, it doesn’t feel so much like searching for a needle in a haystack, but finding the perfect gem among useless shale, all while balancing atop ever shifting strata. Sometimes gems that were once there have gone dull, other days you find what appears to be a magical island ripe with treasure. I hope that this blog will be just that, a place where readers can come and find themselves in my stories, as well as resources to start their own journeys. I am hoping to build community, and invite you to get to know me and the other colorful characters in my life.
Just for fun
Sometimes, people just want a blog that can entertain them, I hope to offer a little bit of that as well. Whether you want to check out my budding fiction, or visual art creations, or would like to hear some quips or insights from my cat, there will be a few things that I hope make you laugh. So, what do you say, ready to take this wild ride with me?
Sincerely yours,
Sorloquator