deconstructing dear Evan hansen

Hi Readers,

How many of you like musicals? For me, there is something truly uplifting about people expressing their emotions through songs, and bringing complex stories to life. Throughout my lifetime, this artform has often taken on difficult, or taboo topics. In particularly, the debut of Rent, in the 1990s, brought the AIDS crisis, and the humanity of people living with AIDS, to the forefront of theatergoers’s minds. In more recent years, Newsies delivered the message that organized labor has power, and that little guys can take on industry giants. Hamilton, reignited North American schoolkids’ interest in history, with an innovative hip-hop score, that sought to shed light on complex issues which still affect North America today.

   A musical that debuted in 2016, which sought to join the ranks of these innovative shows, was dear Evan Hansen. Although the music itself, is technically good, and the actors adapted to their roles surprisingly well, fundamentally, dear Evan Hansen tackled the complex topics of suicide, belonging, and mental health, in what I believe is a deeply problematic way. (Trigger warnings: suicide, grief, homophobia, cyber bullying, strained parent-child relationships, and general spoiler alerts ahead.)

   The goal of the post today, is to draw your attention to some of these problems as I see them. This is entirely from my perspective, as someone who has struggled with mental health related issues, and now works in crisis work. Additionally, it should be noted that I am a millennial, who has some experience with the Internet, and its power to change lives. So, without further adeu, let’s dive right in.

   At the start of the musical, we meet Evan, a socially anxious teenager, who has recently broken his arm.  His mother has spent the morning talking to him about how he needs to look on the bright side, and keep up with his therapy assignments, of writing letters to himself, as to why it’s going to be an amazing day for him. She suggests, as an icebreaker, that Evan get everyone in school to sign his cast. We see Evan’s initial frustration and reluctant acceptance of her suggestion. In the original musical, this conversation is not told solely through dialogue, but is told through the song “does anybody have a map.”

   This song, from the original score, captures Heidi’s frustration in trying to connect with Evan, and also provides audiences with a window into similar struggles that Cynthia, is going through with Connor. Despite the ability of, “does anybody have a map” to capture the strained relationship between the boys and their mothers, as well as the movie version’s accurate portrayal of this tension, the opening scene of both the movie and the musical versions showcase fundamental problems in the way the adults in the musical are dealing with their children’s mental health.

   From my perspective, asking your socially anxious loved one, to dive headfirst, into a large group situation, like having unknown classmates, invade their personal space, to sign a cast, is just asking for trouble. From my own experience, I can tell you, that forcing someone who is socially anxious into a socially charged experience is not going to help them address their difficulties, and has a high probability of leading to more anxiety.

   Furthermore, in both the live and movie versions of the musical, Evan’s mom, indirectly shames him for having mental health issues. She says that this year, he has to “buck up and look on the bright side before things fall apart,” in the musical, while in the movie, insisting that he is a senior in high school, and should be able to order food for himself. Evan points out, that because her credit card is inactive, this will force him to have to interact with the delivery driver, which is triggering to his anxiety. Heidi merely brushes him off.

   Both scenarios demonstrate that Heidi, whether intentionally, or not, is displaying a disregard for her son’s emotions and struggles, instead of actively trying to understand them.

   We also see Evan, in these opening scenes, trying to write a letter to himself, describing why today will be an amazing day. He starts out by saying that all he will have to do today is be himself, but this transitions into a worry spiral, about how he has to be easy to talk to, interesting, confident, approachable, and not embarrass himself. I found this portrayal of what anxiety feels like to be very relatable.

   From there, both the musical and the movie transition into the song, “waving through a window”, in which Evan discusses his feelings of isolation, despite having a sea of people around him. He states, “I’m Tapping on the glass, I’m waving through a window! Can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me?” He also gives the audience more information about when he broke his arm, indicating that, when the incident happened, no one came to get him, or help him. He then uses this as an extended metaphor, for how he feels like nobody will listen to him, and he matters to no one.

   This feeling of isolation, and going unhurried, in my experience, is quite a common feeling for those with anxiety. In this section of the musical, we also are introduced to Connor, who is characterized as an angry loner, with other students commenting that his outfit, is, “very school shooter chic.”

   Although I find this dialogue problematic on principle, as I believe no one should joke about things like school shootings, I also find it to be a realistic portrayal of how high school bullies might talk to someone who they view as creepy, or weird.

   Evan sees this interaction, but does nothing to stop it, instead laughing nervously. Connor misinterprets this, as Evan wanting to make fun of him, and yells at him for it, before walking off. In the second scene, we have our second problematic theme. That is, the tired trope, that isolated people have a free pass, when it comes to standing up to bullying situations.

   As this musical was particularly targeted towards teens, I felt like they could’ve used this scene, as an opportunity for Evan and Connor to authentically connect, before Connor’s eventual suicide. From my own personal experience, one of the best ways to stop bullying is with the power of numbers. Even having one other person to say, “hey that’s not okay,” can often make others reconsider their actions. Although, this is a minor problem, compared to what will go on as the show progresses.

   After Connor walks off in anger, we see Evan, in both the movie, and stage musical, having an awkward interaction with Connor’s sister Zoe, who apologizes for her brother’s behavior. Evan, who has had a crush on her, since before the musical’s timeline started, is immediately too overwhelmed to talk to her, and ends up running off in fear, after apologizing for his awkwardness.

   From there Evan makes another attempt to finish his therapy assignment, of writing a letter to himself.  This attempt results in Evan shaming himself, engaging in vague suicidal ideation, and pining after Zoe. Evan mistakingly prints his letter. Before doing so, he runs into Connor again, who notices Evan’s unsigned cast, and asks how he broke his arm. Evan tells Connor he fell out of a tree, and Connor says that that is the saddest thing he’s ever heard. Evan then tries to shrug Connor’s remark off, but in a surprise move, Connor offers to sign Evan’s cast. Evan reluctantly agrees. After Connor finishes, he states that he only did it so that both he and Evan could pretend that they actually had friends. Connor grabs Evan’s therapy letter off the printer, and begins reading it, without Evan’s consent.

   When Connor realizes that the letter is about his sister, he freaks out. Connor claims that Evan somehow planted the letter for him to find, so that Evan could use Connor’s violent reaction to justify calling Connor crazy. Evan denies this, trying to explain the letter’s actual purpose. He first begs Connor to give the letter back. Then realizing that that is not going to happen, Evan pleads with him, to at least not show it to anyone else, or post it online. Connor ignores him, shoving Evan to the ground, and running off with the letter still in his possession. In a fit of panic, Evan then gets himself back up, runs to the bathroom, and begins frantically taking his antianxiety medication.

   Here is yet another missed opportunity where we could have seen Evan going back to his therapist, or another trusted adult, explaining what had happened and asking how to handle the situation. Instead, we see Evan returning home, checking to see what Connor has done with his letter. We discover that Connor has not put the letter online, but that Evan believes he will, and is just waiting for the most opportune moment to do so.

   While this is a pretty realistic depiction of how worry can spiral out of control, for someone with anxiety, I would have liked it if Evan had actually used the tools he was provided to talk about what he was feeling.

   Theoretically, if Evan had gone back to his therapist, about the situation, the musical could’ve used  this moment for Evan to tell his therapist that the letter writing exercises he was assigned were not working for him. In this way, the musical could have shown its viewers, that if you are in mental health treatment, and something is not working for you, you have a right to change that treatment.

   However, this is not what we see. In the next section of the musical, we see Evan confiding in his “family friend,” Jared, about the incident with Connor. Jared is largely unsympathetic, stating that if he had been the one to take the letter, it surely would’ve ended up online. Evan then tries to offer himself hope, commenting that since Connor has not been to school for three days, there is a possibility that he could’ve forgotten about the letter entirely. Jared continues to be unsympathetic to Evan’s plight, commenting on the state of Connor’s mental health. He says that Connor is “batshit, so of course he’s going to put the letter up online.”

   Again, while this is pretty standard for the way most high schoolers would talk, I feel like it is sending the message that mental health struggles are license for bad behavior.  Although the audience is aware that Connor struggles with anger issues by this point, these issues don’t impact Connor’s sense of morality. Evan gets called into the principal’s office, because Connor’s parents want to speak to him in private. He then learns that Connor has killed himself.  Connor’s parents believe that Evan was his best friend, because they found Evan’s therapy letter, addressed to himself, on Connor when he died. They believe that Evan’s therapy letter was actually their son’s suicide note. This is where things start to get unbelievably messy.

Evan tries ineptly, to explain that he is the one who wrote the letter, but ends up deciding that it is better to offer the Murphy family false hope, by going along with the narrative that he and Connor were best friends, at least for the time being. While I can understand that it is extremely difficult to talk about people losing their loved ones, I feel like Evan could have focused on the things that were true, such as Connor signing his cast, his sympathy for the family’s loss, and maybe even similar feelings of isolation, that Connor and he may have shared. Instead, he allows himself to get roped into attending dinner at the Murphy’s house.

There he witnesses a fight between Zoe and her parents over what Connor was like. When Connor’s mom implores Evan to share with the family good memories of Connor, Evan sings the song, “For Forever,” which spins a false memory for the family, and himself, about how he broke his arm, and how Connor was there to support him through it. Once again, this is another missed opportunity for Evan to come clean about the situation. This number only adds to the idea that it’s better to give people false hope, rather than speaking openly about mental health, a goal which the musical claims to care about. “For Forever” also brought home to me, a deeply troubling character development within Evan. It is with this song that we see him truly start to believe his own lie.

Thus, he is not only spinning a narrative for the family who is grieving, but also talking about the type of friendship he wishes he was capable of maintaining. While some might see this as pitifully endearing, I see it as yet another missed opportunity for Evan to talk about shared experiences of isolation, he actually had in common with Connor. If Evan had taken this route, he could have validated the family’s feelings of grief in an authentic way.

The pattern of false hope transitioning into false belief, is furthered by the song, “sincerely, me.” After dinner with the Murphy’s, Evan asks Jared to help him craft a false correspondence between himself and Connor. Evan justifies this action to himself and Jared, by claiming that the Murphy’s want to see emails between Connor and Evan to learn more about their friendship. In the beginning of “sincerely me,” Jared initially gets bored after one email, and asks Evan if they are done now. Evan replies that he can’t just show the Murphy’s one email, because he wants to show them that he was actually a good friend to Connor. Through this response, we see that Evan is becoming more invested in the Murphy’s perception of him, and in an indirect way, is living out the kind of friendship he wishes he could have.

Furthermore, “sincerely me” mentions the fact that anyone can reinvent themselves, if they just give things their full attention. While this is not a bad sentiment in theory, it becomes dangerous when applying it to a person who you don’t know. It also shows that Evan is more concerned about his own reinvention, rather than the impact his lie might have on the Murphy family. Once again, the audience is presented with an opportunity Evan has to stop the lies from escalating, when Jared literally asks if they can stop writing emails. Admittedly, this request is not because Jared thinks of their actions as morally reprehensible, but rather out of boredom.

Nevertheless, it is yet another opportunity for Evan to face the truth of the situation. This moment in the musical is also very strange from my perspective, because Evan is literally writing letters to process his own feelings around social interactions, which is what he was supposed to be doing through his therapy assignments. Additionally, throughout “sincerely me,” we see Evan consumed by the idea that the emails have to demonstrate a perfect friendship, rather than an authentic human connection.

Lastly, throughout the song, Jared teases Evan about being gay. Evan is so worried about this, that he purposefully puts in his letters that the false friendship between him and Connor, while deep, and emotional, is, “not because we’re gay.” Evan further sings that the only man that he loves is his dad. For me, these lyrics are particularly troubling, because they demonstrate that deep heterosexual friendships between men are something to be questioned, and homosexuality itself, should be seen as something imperfect. All in all, “sincerely me,” from my perspective, sends the message that people’s perceptions of you, are more important than the actual emotions someone is experiencing. Additionally, this song introduces the idea that it’s okay to profit off of someone else’s pain, or tragedy, as long as you are providing them with hope, even if that hope is false.

Many lines in this song capitalize on the idea, but perhaps the most telling, is the section, where Evan speaks to a fictional Connor, saying that he is getting better every day. While it is normal for people who struggle with ideation to fluctuate between periods of hope and despair, we know that in Connor’s case this was false. He ultimately chooses suicide. By couching suicide as something that someone can get better from, the show inadvertently delivers the message that other people are responsible for their loved one’s suicides. Evan sends the message to the Murphy’s, and the audience, that if someone in your life is struggling with ideation, all you have to do is try hard enough, and they will be saved.

I am not saying that we shouldn’t offer support to those who are struggling with their mental health, but ultimately, from my perspective, suicide is a decision just like any other. Also, by focusing on the person, rather than the behavior, it can make it more difficult to ask questions, to get to the root cause of why a person is engaging in that behavior, or considering that decision in the first place. “Sincerely me” focuses on profiting from suicide, unhealthy narratives about friendship, and fundamentally distracts from the fact that, when suicide happens, it is about the loss of real people.

The show’s next track, “Requiem,” is designed to show audiences how the Murphy family is handling their grief. The lyrics demonstrate that the members of the Murphy family each had their own reasons for not grieving Connor’s loss. In particularly, we learn that Zoe has had a traumatic relationship with her brother, and fundamentally sees him as a villain, who should not be mourned because of the things he put her through. At this point, Zoe’s mom brings home Evan’s fictitious email chain, and we see Zoe begin to struggle with the narrative she’s constructed about her brother.

She sings, “don’t tell me that I didn’t have it right, don’t tell me that it wasn’t black and white… After all you put me through, don’t tell me that you are not the monster that I knew.” She also discusses how she refuses to lie and play the part of the grieving girl that everyone expects her to be. Throughout the song she talks about not wanting to express her grief through a, “second-hand sorrow,” i.e. the way her mom, and supposedly Evan, feel about Connor. You may be thinking, Sorloquator, what exactly is wrong with this song, isn’t Zoe expressing how grief is a highly individualized process, and isn’t that a good thing? While this may seem like what’s going on in the song, the key to its unhealthy nature lies in the staging of the musical itself. While it is true that Zoe tries to assert her individuality when it comes to grief, or lack thereof, audience members see her mother asking Zoe repeatedly to read Evan’s emails.

Zoe initially struggles with whether or not to read the emails, but eventually does so, essentially rewriting her perception of her brother, and altering her grief process. Zoe, now sees her brother not only as a villain, but as someone she can give herself permission to miss. On the surface, this may not seem like a bad thing, however, audiences are aware that Connor has exploited and threatened Zoe on several occasions. In this way, as she reads Evan’s emails, Zoe’s factual experiences of Connor, are eclipsed by Evan’s fictional portrayal.

Connor’s mother’s grief process is also altered as she reads the fictitious emails. She emphasizes that now that she has read Evan’s letters, she has finally found her son again, and now that he is still here, she refuses to sing a requiem for him. From my perspective, she is continuing to cling to false hope. Evan’s letters allow her to rewrite her own relationship with her son, blocking out the things that are either problematic, or traumatic, in favor of seeing him as a good friend, thus suppressing and delaying her own grief process. My own experience with grief, and crisis work, has taught me the importance of letting people grieve authentically. Realistically, if someone interferes with the grieving process, it has a lasting detrimental effect on the griever. My fundamental problem with “Requiem” is that, much like the rest of the musical, it paints Evan’s actions, as justifiable, when in actuality, they are causing real harm, all for Evan’s benefit.

After “Requiem,” Evan continues profiting from Connor’s suicide, and the false narrative he has constructed around it. He has gained more popularity at school, and has developed a replacement familial relationship with Connor’s parents. Zoe, the love of his life, is now talking to him regularly; in effect Evan now has ostensibly the sense of belonging he has been yearning for throughout the musical. However, this belonging stems from a false narrative around suicide.

Furthermore, Evan repeatedly justifies his actions as an attempt to provide comfort for the Murphy’s, rather than contemplating the harm he is doing. From my perspective, it is normal to want to form connections with people, and it is even possible for people to gain social connections after tragedy. However, the problem with Evan’s situation, is that he does this under false pretenses.

The show’s next track, demonstrates just how far Evan will go, in using Connor’s suicide, and the false narrative he’s created, to take what he wants. Throughout the musical, we know that Evan, has had a devastatingly painful crush on Zoe, but has never been able to talk to her on his own. However, as he spends more time with the Murphy’s, he is given more opportunities to talk with Zoe and to get to know her. When Zoe reaches out to him, explaining that her mother wants to have him over for dinner, Evan accepts. Zoe discusses her strained relationship with both her parents and her brother. She tells Evan that she found the first email between him and Connor strange, as it mentions Connor wanting to be able to talk to her, something that they’ve never been able to do, since they were kids, because of their strained relationship.

Evan then launches into the song, “if I could tell her,” In which he delves into all the minute details that he believes make Zoe special. However, he fails to claim them authentically as his own, instead claiming them as details that Connor confided in him about. While I have to admit, that this would be a cute confession song, if Evan had claimed the details as his own, it becomes downright creepy in its full context. In this song, we see Evan directly adopting Connor’s persona, to confess his own feelings, using Zoe’s grief and pain, to position himself as a comforting confidant for her.

By taking advantage of Zoe’s grief, and positioning himself as the good guy, Evan is putting his own self-interest first, and continuing to interfere with Zoe’s grief process. By not claiming his feelings as his own, Evan is again favoring inauthentic connections over authentic ones. Lastly, in the original stage play, Evan kisses Zoe non-consensually, and she runs off. The movie version of the show, handled this scenario slightly better, having the two of them standing awkwardly, as if wanting to kiss, before Zoe’s parents reenter the scene, breaking the tension.

The problems I have with this song should be pretty self-explanatory, but I will state them again briefly. Evan takes on Connor’s persona to obtain Zoe’s affection for himself. He fails to face his feelings head on, by claiming them as his own. This leads to him developing an inauthentic connection with Zoe. Evan has no problem taking advantage of Zoe’s grief, and rewriting Zoe and Connor’s sibling relationship, to meet his own needs. Evan could have easily claimed his observations as his own, by telling Zoe that he didn’t know what exactly her brother felt about her, but that he was sure that anybody who had spent time with her would notice a lot of special things about her. If the number had been structured this way, Evan wouldn’t have had to change any of his observations, and it would have given him and Zoe the opportunity to build an authentic connection. The show ultimately fails to do this, sending the message to its target audience that manipulating someone else’s grief, and existing relationships for one’s personal gain is acceptable.

The next tracks in the musical take the idea of Evan gaining social status through Connor’s death, and their fictitious connection to another level. Because the movie and the stage play use two different titles to discuss the founding of the Connor project, a memorial fund-raising drive, and space, started by Evan, to ostensibly keep Connor’s memory alive, I will be discussing each one of them individually. Both songs contribute to the theme of profiting through suicide, and false narrative.

In the original musical, the track used to discuss the founding of the Connor project, is called “disappear.” The audience hears Connor’s voice counseling Evan. Connor’s voice tells Evan that if he can make them, i.e. the outside world remember Connor, and not think of him as, “an abandoned memory, they will finally see that you, are there.” In this way, we see Evan further taking on Connor’s persona, and justifying using Connor’s suicide, to create a sense of belonging for himself.

While I appreciate that everyone should have a place where they know that they matter, once again, Evan’s motivation for creating this place, is driven by his own need to belong, rather than who Connor actually was, as a person. The movie takes a slightly different approach, to the founding of the Connor project, placing the drive for its creation, onto Alana Beck, the overachieving seemingly – perfect student Council President, who struggles, in secret, with her own anxiety and self-esteem issues. In the song given to her in the movie, she sings about how no one can tell anyone’s mental health state, simply by looking at them. She sings, “The ones you can’t tell, they carry it well, that doesn’t mean their burdens aren’t heavy.” I agree that no one can tell what someone else is going through, simply by looking at them, and that this is an important message for teens to internalize.

However, the problematic subtext of these two numbers remains. Whether it’s Alana, or Evan, they are both using Connor’s death, and the false narrative Evan constructed, as a mirror for their own struggles, justifying why the Connor project is important to them. Neither one of them is honoring Connor’s memory. Instead, they are bending the narrative to suit their needs. They encourage the school community to give money and take part in a fundraising drive to restore Connor’s favorite childhood apple orchard, but are more than happy to accept their newfound sense of belonging that comes from this.

This section of the musical continues sending troubling messages about suicide and mental health, seen from the beginning of the production. Mainly, that false hope is better than the truth, and that narratives around suicide can be manipulated for personal gain.

After the Connor project is founded, Evan volunteers to speak at the memorial assembly. In the movie version of the musical, he gets roped into this by Alana, but in the original stage play, he does this voluntarily. This leads us to the musical number, “You will be found.” If you are just listening to this music out of context, it is quite inspiring. The song encourages people who are struggling to reach out for help when they need it, and to believe that people will care about what they are struggling with. Additionally, the audience does see the positive impact that the Connor project is having, as in the play, it is getting a lot of media attention, and people are using it as a safe space to talk about their mental health.

However, when one listens to it within the context of the musical, the track’s messaging about mental health is deeply troubling. The whole premise of the song, is Evan discussing how Connor was supposedly there for him when he fell out of a tree, breaking his arm. In this false narrative, Connor takes Evan home, showing Evan that it will be okay. Evan tells the audience, that because of this false experience, which he claims is true, he knows that whenever somebody is struggling, there will always be somebody to take them home. Audience members know that there was no one to come and get Evan when he originally broke his arm. Instead of speaking about his true experience, Evan once again, highlights his own wishes and desires about what he wanted to have happen that day, offering false hope to a wider audience in the process.

From my experience in crisis work, sometimes people don’t need to be told that it is going to get better, they much prefer to have their current feelings validated, even if those are ones of hopelessness. By offering that validation, crisis workers, friends, family, and loved ones are treating the person who is in crisis, as a valid judge of their own emotional state. This, in turn, can lead to a wider dialogue about what got them to the place of suicide being an option. In my experience, if you offer hope to someone, and then their experience does not get better, they may end up feeling more hopeless, because someone they trusted promised that things were going to change, and they did not. “You Will Be Found” makes a promise which cannot be guaranteed, not just to Evan’s school community, but to a larger network of people struggling with mental health online. This promise is based on a fictitious narrative, designed to help Evan process his own struggles. 

Thus, “you will be found” continues the trend of the entire musical, by promoting false hope for personal gain. In addition to the song’s troubling message when taken into context, the audience can see Evan directly adopting Connor’s persona in order to become closer with the Murphy’s. Just before “you will be found,” we see Connor’s mother, giving Evan a tie that belonged to Connor, as she talks about how people did not really know Connor, and how they do not really know Evan either. She encourages him to speak at Connor’s memorial, telling Evan that he can speak to the audience, telling them what they have missed, as a result of not being friends with Connor.

The next two tracks continue the unhelpful trends of profiting from suicide, offering false hope in the midst of grief, and Evan’s attempt to believe in his own false narrative. In the song, “to break in a glove,” which was cut from the movie version’s score, Evan bonds with Mr. Murphy over a baseball glove that he attempted to give Connor before he died. Importantly, Mr. Murphy emphasizes that although breaking in a glove with shaving cream, rubber bands, and a mattress is difficult it is worth the end result. He tells Evan that sometimes the hard thing is the right thing.

This song, hits home when viewed within the context of the rest of the show. We know, as audience members, that Evan’s character, has historically taken the easy route, throughout the whole musical. He has declined numerous opportunities to come clean to the Murphy family, and is now reaping the benefits of their kindness. Mr. Murphy also alludes to the fact that he often took a tough love attitude with Connor, only because he wanted to see him do better. He lets Evan know that sometimes, “you do the hard thing for a kid who has lost control.”

In my experience, this tough love approach, rarely gets to the heart of what a loved one is struggling with. Nevertheless, it is often a common way for parents to articulate their worry and care. Near the end of the number, Evan gets choked up, stating, “Connor was lucky to have a dad that cared so much about stuff.” The implication made here, is that Evan wishes he could have the kind of relationship that Mr. Murphy was hoping to have with Connor, with his own father- that Evan would be worth sticking around for.

The impact is heart wrenching, when you consider, that although Evan values how much Mr. Murphy cares about things, and agrees that sticking to things and seeing them through are good qualities to have, Evan cannot do this for himself. He would rather focus on what he wishes his relationship with his own father was like, rather than giving Mr. Murphy an opportunity to discuss his feelings, about his own son. “To break in a glove,” continues the pattern of Evan putting his own desires ahead of genuine experiences other characters are having, for his own benefit.

By failing to discuss Mr. Murphy’s true feelings about Connor, the musical sends the message that profiting by suicide is more important than someone’s genuine feelings. “To break in a glove,” highlights yet another problematic theme, the concept of talking around feelings, instead of talking about them. Despite the song’s repeated statements that sometimes the right thing is difficult to do, Evan refuses to heed this advice, instead, opting for a route in which he will never have to see his actions through to their natural consequences, and that is comfortable for him.

The next track, “only us,” focuses on Evan’s deepening bond with Zoe Murphy. She genuinely appreciates what he has done, via the Connor project, and can see her parent’s relationship improving. In the movie she tells Evan, that he has, “given her her brother back.” Keep in mind, that earlier in the musical, Evan lied to Zoe, saying that he and Connor had talked about her good qualities, effectively rewriting the sibling’s feelings about one another.

The track only us, on its surface, is a sweet declaration of love between Zoe and Evan. She tells him that he does not have to worry about selling her on reasons to want him. She voices her desire for their budding relationship to be about the two of them, having a separation from Connor’s death, and all the things that come with it. The two then agree that they will focus on each other, excluding external factors. Evan is overjoyed that Zoe is saying that this exclusion is possible. Zoe is in effect giving Evan permission to continue lying, and crafting his own narrative. She sings, “and what came before won’t count anymore.” Much like the rest of the musical, when “only us,” is taken into context with the rest of the show, its messaging is deeply troubling.

By saying that she does not care about the past, or, “all the things that have been broken, Zoe is giving Evan permission to continue lying. At the same time, she is closing herself off from grieving, making Evan her only support system. From my experience in crisis work, dealing with isolated individuals, I have learned that reducing one’s support system is rarely a good thing. As crisis workers, we are often advised to encourage people to reach out for more support, not encourage them to narrow their network, like only us does through its lyrics.  We see both Evan and Zoe withdrawing from friends and family, as they get swept up in their romance. In the movie, we see Evan lying to his mother about where he is, in favor of being with the Murphy’s. Although not as direct, we also see Zoe withdrawing from activities like jazz band, and not talking to her friends as much. The song “only us,” coupled with the couple’s actions, send the message that restricting one’s support network, during a romantic relationship, is a healthy and expected behavior for teens.

Additionally, “only us” perpetuates the idea that grief is something that magically melts away, if someone tries hard enough, not an ongoing process. Both of these ideas are incredibly dangerous for anyone struggling with them. Ignoring one’s grief and narrowing one’s support system have lasting negative consequences. Thus, “only us,” instead of showcasing healthy ways to deal with mental health, romance and grief, perpetuates unhealthy coping behaviors.

Following “only us,” comes, “Good for you,” which sees Evan’s existing support from Alana, Jared, and his mother, turning to incredible frustration. This track was cut from the movie version’s score, but I still feel that it’s worth talking about, as it highlights Evan’s continual struggle between false narratives, and genuine reality, as well as highlighting his mother’s difficulties in understanding how to best support a teenager who is struggling. In this number, we see Evan’s mom expressing her anger with how close Evan has gotten to the Murphy’s.  Specifically, how he plans to take the money they’ve offered him for his college tuition. Heidi vents about how Evan must be so glad that the Murphy’s rescued him from the awful life he had with her, and how it must be nice that he now has a life that she could never provide.

While I understand her frustration with Evan to some degree, to me it doesn’t make sense why a parent would not want their kid to have more opportunities, even if they weren’t the ones providing them. To me, this demonstrates Heidi needing to feel close to Evan, in order to feel good, rather than her actually caring about him. From my perspective, if she had a problem with how he had come by the money, because she knows that he was dishonest about his friendship with Connor, she could have talked to him about the moral implications of this action, rather than focusing on her feelings of abandonment.

I’m not saying that she is not allowed to have feelings around her relationship with her son, only that from my perspective, the issue is not with Evan seeking outside support, but rather the narrative he told to get that support. Heidi’s versus contribute to the myth that one’s biological family is always the best form of support when someone is going through crisis. While families can be a great source of support, it is important to realize that some people may not have access to supportive biological relatives. Even those who do, should not be shamed into thinking that seeking outside help, is a disloyal action.

In “Good for you,” we also see Evan’s family friend Jared, who up until this point in the musical, has been okay with perpetuating Evan’s lie, about his relationship with Connor, finally reach breaking point. This is because Jared, has been putting in work on the infrastructure of the Connor project, while Evan, has been largely absent from project meetings, because of his relationship with Zoe. Jared states that Evan will, “play who you need to play,” Implying that, Evan will only use his friends for what they are good for, and then throw them away when they don’t meet his needs anymore. While I agree with Jared from a mental health standpoint, that using your relationships simply as a conduit to get what you want, is not the healthiest of behaviors, as an audience member, Jared’s sudden change in how he feels about Evan’s false narrative, seems a little disjointed.

Up until this point in the show, Jared was happy to go along with Evan’s manipulation, and continually pointed out, that he and Evan were not friends in their own right, but instead, merely family friends, implying that, he himself, did not really value his relationship with Evan. Why then, a little over halfway through the musical, is he mourning the dissolution of their friendship? Also, given that Jared was in on the entire manufacturing process of Evan’s false friendship with Connor, and was seemingly fine with it, up until this point, why is he now surprised to learn, that Evan is a person who will use his relationships for his own personal gain, when that is what he was doing all along?

Out of all the characters featured in the song, Alana Beck’s reaction is probably the most genuine. Throughout the musical, she had no idea that Evan was lying about his relationship with Connor, so, when she finally finds out that the whole narrative has been fabricated, she angrily asks Evan, if it ever occurred to him to be sorry for what he is done, and whether or not he has had fun stringing her along the entire time. From my perspective, because she had no idea about Evan’s underlying motives, and was not an adult trying to use their relationship with their child to make themselves feel better about their parenting, her reaction during the song, is probably the healthiest and most genuine.

As stated earlier, this song was cut from the movie soundtrack. In the movie, we only see Evan arguing with his mom about accepting money from the Murphy’s, and then Evan’s original letter getting leaked online. In the movie, it is only after Evan sees the consequences of his letter getting leaked by Alana, the online harassment, and hatred the Murphy’s are experiencing because of the leak, that he decides to come clean. In the “Good for you” track, however, Evan simply freaks out about, “his ship being about to sink,” and him being unable to change what he has, “written in ink,” as well as him asking others around him to, “help change the story,” once more.

In both the movie, and the stage versions of the show, both as an audience member, and a crisis worker, it seems to me, that Evan is more concerned with how this whole thing will affect his reputation, rather than the devastation his false narrative around his relationship with Connor has wrought. Especially in the movie, I get the sense that if his first therapy assignment had not been leaked, he would have been perfectly content to keep deceiving the Murphy’s, as well as the public, about his relationship with Connor, if it still would have benefited him.

Through both the “Good for you” track, as well as Evan’s actions in the movie, audience members are aware that, even at this late stage in the show, Evan is, still desperate to believe in his own false narrative. Evan is unwilling to give up the newfound sense of belonging and popularity he has accrued as a result of constructing the false narrative around Connor’s suicide. His unwillingness to come clean about the situation, perpetuates the message that one is only required to face up to the consequences of their actions once those consequences have come home to roost.

It is only after Evan can no longer ignore the consequences of his actions, that he admits his guilt, in the track, “words fail.” However, even this admission is tainted, as Evan continues to justify profiting through suicide, and offering false up to the Murphy’s. He states that he never intended for the lying to go this far. Throughout the song he emphasizes the fact that he never felt a part of anything, and that the Murphy’s were able to give him the familial and romantic relationships that he had been looking for. In this way, he uses his own mental health to try to get the Murphy’s to feel sorry for him, making his apology feel inauthentic. Evan again centers his apology around his own feelings, not the guilt, and manipulation he foisted on to the Murphy family. While I can relate to this feeling of not wanting to face his own reality of feeling like a “collection of broken parts,” one’s own mental health state, is no justification for hurting others. As an audience member, I felt as though, the creators of the show, were attempting to get the audience to feel empathy for Evan, even after everything he had done. This sends the message that if someone is having their own mental health issues, and striving for connection, then not considering the feelings and impact you have on others is acceptable.

The next song, “so big/ so small,” sees Evan reuniting with his mom, as she tries to comfort him. Like so many of its predecessors, this song seems to be wholesome on the surface, but actually fails to address mental health in a productive way. Instead of focusing on the impact of Evan’s actions, Heidi focuses on her own feelings around her separation with Evan’s father. She makes the two situations analogous, saying that, just like she was there as Evan’s primary support system back then, she will be there for him now.

While it is refreshing to see Heidi actually offering support to her son, and admitting that she has made mistakes as a parent, she fails to hold Evan accountable for his actions. By stating that things which seem emotionally charged right now become less so in the future, she is minimizing his grief and guilt over the emotional impact of his actions. She also implies that because she is not going anywhere, she will still remain the most important relationship throughout Evan’s life.In my opinion, this continues the pattern from the song, “Good for you,” in which Heidi shows audiences that she is wrapped up in her identity, as Evan’s mom, needing to keep him close, in order to validate herself. In this way, “so big\so small,” shows that Heidi is still, unwilling, or unable, to understand the changing nature of her and Evan’s relationship.

  The finale in the original musical, is very short. Audience members see Evan writing himself a genuine therapy letter, in which he says that today will be a good day, because he is himself, and no longer has to hide, or lie. He sings that all he sees is sky, implying that there is a wide-open future for him, despite his past. The movie has Evan trying to find out who Connor actually was as a person. He reads Connor’s favorite books, and reaches out to people Connor went to recovery programs with. He eventually finds a performance of an original song that Connor wrote, talking about his struggles, and hopes for recovery. Evan mails this to the Murphy’s, so, that they can have a genuine piece of their son, and brother.

If I had to pick one, I would say I enjoyed the movie finale better, as it shows Evan trying to get to know Connor as a real person, but both versions of the ending leave me thinking about how avoidable the situation was in the first place. I feel like Evan could have formed a genuine connection with the Murphy’s if he had spoken about his genuine experiences with mental health, and how they might’ve related to Connor. I also wonder where the trusted adults were throughout the play, and am deeply troubled by the parental relationships throughout the musical.

Despite the problematic themes examined here, I’m not advocating Dear Evan Hansen to be banned in any of its forms. Instead, I want the work to be discussed thoughtfully. Crisis workers, educators, families, and teens, can use dear Evan Hansen as a framework to talk about unhealthy ways to deal with suicide, grief, and belonging, why the strategies presented in the musical, are unhelpful, and better alternatives for anyone who is struggling. They can talk about the very real emotions that Evan goes through, regarding belonging, and wanting to be part of something. Above all else, we can use this work to teach youngsters, that it is always better to speak openly and honestly about their emotions and connections, or lack thereof, rather than to hide behind inauthentic projections for ourselves. We can encourage caretakers of teens to be more open about their own struggles, and offer them alternative ways to connect. Lastly, we can highlight the flaws within the mental health system, when it comes to talking about mental health, and encourage those who are struggling to seek healthy therapeutic relationships, and advocate for themselves, within those relationships. As always, I hope this post has given you something to think on. Feel free to check out the additional resources if you are loved one is in need of support.

Sincerely yours,

Sorloquator

additional resources:

https://bekind.findahelpline.com/

hotline directory allows you to search by topic so you can find anonymous support, so hopefully you don’t have to resort to being like Evan Hansen.

https://www.nami.org/help

links to the national alliance on mental illness for their helpline, and other resources within This organization.

https://befrienders.org/about-befrienders-worldwide/

another international website that provides crisis support worldwide.