Hi Readers,
Today’s post goes out to all of those people who want to be allies to their trans friends, but are also curious about your friend’s physical transition, or maybe just their transition in general. You might be tempted to ask questions like, “Have you had the surgery yet?” Or perhaps what do I call you now?” Another common question that many people want to ask their friends when talking about their transition is, “why didn’t you tell me earlier? Or “How long have you known?” I personally do not mind this last question, but I know some people within the trans community do.
I know that from your perspective, these questions may be motivated out of genuine curiosity, but as a trans person, myself, I want you to also be aware, that sometimes, these questions come from complete transphobic strangers, who are just trying to get information in order to pry into our personal lives, get us into uncomfortable arguments, or at worst try to deny our existence.
You may be thinking, yeah, but I’m not like that, why can’t I ask these questions if they are coming from a good place. I’d like to take a step back, and explain how the wording of these questions could come across as invasive to many trans people. Firstly, by phrasing a question around surgery, you are assuming that, A. Your friend or loved one desires and has the resources for surgery, and B. That they are, for some reason, putting off, or delaying the timeline that they should be on for its completion. Instead of asking a question like this, you could try a more open-ended question like, “ have you thought about what transition might look like for you? This puts the narrative of their transness, i.e. how they experience being trans, back into their hands, while showing that you are curious, but also showing that you understand that this is their journey. It also opens up the possibility to them, that transition doesn’t exclusively consist of physical, or medical intervention, but can also consist of things like social transition, and nonsurgical physical things, like prosthetics, or hormones.
In short, it lets your loved one, or friend, know that transition can be made up of many things depending on the individual’s needs, and ultimately, that you, as their friend, or loved one, want to hear about things from their perspective.
The next question, “what should I call you now?” May seem less harmful, and indeed, some people, would not find this question offensive. However, I’d like to explain why it could be seen as an invasive question by others. Depending on when you are asking the question, your friend, or loved one, may not have come up with a name that suits their understanding of their gender yet, and this question, could make them feel, like because they don’t have a name picked out, they are somehow less valid as a trans person.
You could try rephrasing this question as, “if you have picked out a name, I would love to hear it, so, that I can use the name that most validates you, but I understand if you don’t have a name picked out.” By phrasing the question in this way, you let your loved one, or friend, know that you are not trying to put them on a timeline, or trying to dictate how their transition should go, but instead, focusing on what they need from you, to validate them.
By adding that you understand if they don’t have a name picked out, you can add an additional layer of comfort, by showing that you understand that sometimes, parts of transition develop and change, as the individual, gains a greater understanding of what they want their transition to look like, and that this is perfectly okay with you.
Now, onto the last two questions in this list. I understand that it is perfectly normal to wonder about, what you may consider a big change, in your loved one’s life, but the question, “how long have you known?” could be sensitive for many trans people, because your loved one, or friend, may be figuring out the words to articulate, how they have been feeling about gender, to themselves, without needing the added pressure of dating those feelings for the benefit of others.
Additionally, it is important to note that no matter how long someone has been exploring their gender, or using a specific label, the time frame does not invalidate their experience of gender right now. Historically, categorizing people’s experience of gender within a specific chronological framework, or timeline, has been used to gatekeep trans individuals from accessing the care they need.
Trust me when I say, enough medical professionals will ask them further questions about their gender journey, they do not need this question from a family member or loved one. As someone who supports them, you do not want to add to an already stressful situation, and potentially make them feel less valid, as a trans person, by focusing on timelines.
Instead of asking this question, you could ask a question that is more feelings focused, like, “if you had the right words to tell me about your gender, and how it feels for you, what would you like to tell me about? This allows you to show your loved one, or friend once again, that they are the expert on their own gender journey, while also demonstrating your curiosity about their feelings around, and construction of, gender. By phrasing the question this way, it gives your loved one, or friend the opportunity to opt out of telling you information that they don’t have answers for, or simply don’t want to tell you at this point.
Always remember, that your loved one or friend, does not owe you information. if you do have to ask a time-based question around transition, you can say something like, I know this question might be uncomfortable, but I’m trying to get more information, so that I can best support you. Once again, this allows your loved one, or friend to understand your motivations behind the question, instead of just focusing on their perception of a negative motivation, that might not be there.
Now, onto the third question on this list. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” This question often comes from family members or other loved ones, who have a really strong bond with the transgender person in their lives, in my experience. The question is often motivated by the potential ally feeling like they have missed out on the opportunity to support their trans loved one in the beginning of their loved one’s journey. The potential ally may also be feeling like their friend or loved one, broke their trust.
Whatever the motivation behind asking the question, and however well-intentioned it is, it is, nevertheless problematic. The why didn’t you tell me earlier question puts emphasis on the potential ally’s experience, instead of on the person going through transition themselves. In some cases, the question can be taken by a very vulnerable person exploring their gender, and or coming out, for the first time, as an accusation by the potential ally, that the trans person has betrayed someone they love, by not disclosing their journey sooner.
For rephrasing on this question, you could try opening with something positive. For example, “thank you for coming out to me, I know that must’ve taken a lot of energy. I’m glad to be on your journey with you now.” By phrasing it this way, you acknowledge that your friend, or loved one, may have struggled with coming out to you, and validate that struggle, but you also acknowledge your gratitude for being a part of this of journey with them. It also enables you, as a friend, ally, or loved one, to focus less on how long it took them to tell you, and more on how they trusted you enough to tell you in the first place. By reframing it as an enhancement of trust rather than a breaking of it, it can promote positivity among all parties, from my experience.
If I created an exhaustive list of questions that could be perceived as offensive, this blog post would span several volumes. If you are wondering whether a question is offensive, the best way to handle it, is to try asking your loved one directly. Acknowledge that the question you’re about to ask, might be uncomfortable, or awkward, and always give them the option not to talk about something they’re not ready for, or are unable to talk about.
Additionally, there are some questions you can ask yourself, before asking your friend or loved one questions about their gender, and experience of it.
Why do I want to know – this question can help you gauge whether it is about supporting the person going through transition, or whether the question is designed solely to satisfy your curiosity.
If I had the same question asked to me, would I feel uncomfortable? If the answer to this is yes, don’t ask the question, it will save everybody embarrassment.
What is my relationship with the person in question – this question can enable you to gauge the level of appropriateness of your question as this can vary, depending on your relationship with the person. For instance, in general, I would say that you probably want to reframe from asking a transgender person about their genitals, or their bodies in general, but it they are your spouse, and you are trying to get information to support them in a sexual context, then this becomes more complicated. Also, if you are trying to get physical information, in order to provide tangible resources to the trans person in your life, you might want to start your question out with, “ I would love to know how you feel about this, so that I could possibly help you find some resources to address this particular issue.” However, even with phrasing like this, you should always be open to the possibility that your loved one, or friend, is not in a frame of mind where they can consider resources, and the effort it takes to access them.
Will me knowing the answer to this question ultimately help the person who is on this journey. Again, this is a good question to ask yourself, because if the answer is no, you may want to consider why you are asking the question in the first place.
If my friend or loved one does share this information with me, what do I intend to do with it? Much of the information a friend or loved one could share with you about their gender journey is highly sensitive, and while they might be comfortable sharing it with you, they might not want to have it shared with friends, coworkers, or other family members of yours. When asking for, and about information, in my experience, it’s best to clarify with your loved one who they are comfortable with you sharing it with.
Am I prepared for my loved one to deny me access to certain information that I really wish they would share? If the answer is no, you should probably refrain from asking your loved one questions, until you can accept that it is within their right to decide to who, and when they want to share certain information. Also, take time to realize that their motivations for not sharing, may be driven by safety concerns, the fact that they don’t have direct answers, or a variety of other factors, which essentially have nothing to do with you.
If you are still wondering what kind of questions it’s okay to ask your loved one here are some final principles to keep in mind.
- Go in with curiosity, not judgment.
- Realize that answers can change over time, and it doesn’t invalidate previous responses.
- Whenever possible, ask open ended questions, not ones that are focused on timelines, or checklists
- realize that it is okay to feel whatever you feel around your loved one’s transition, but that they are not responsible for those feelings.
- Everyone’s journey of being trans is different, remember that there are multiple ways someone can go through exploration of gender, and that all of those ways are okay.
- Whenever possible, wait until your loved one is calm, and able to engage in a dialogue that may be complex for them.
- Don’t be afraid to admit your own confusion, fear, or difficult feelings, but also lean into the fact that you want to support your loved one, in whatever way works best for them.
- Give them time to process and respond, while letting them set the timeline.
- Respect boundaries. if they don’t want to share something with you, don’t push.
- Educate yourself with resources for allies.
Like I said in the beginning of this post, it is not meant to be exhaustive, but I hope it’s given all you future allies out there something to think on. For those of you who are trans, is there anything else you would have liked me to include in this post?
Best of luck to all in creating a more curious, and inclusive world!
Sorloquator
additional resources: all resources accessed January 13, 2024
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvBwWeG4Rpc
(humorous video done by the BBC 3’s program, “things not to say” narrated by actual trans people. This video will give you more examples of questions you probably shouldn’t be asking the trans loved ones in your life.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8b4MZjMVgdk
(Similar program, but this one covers non-binary people. It makes the important point that not all non-binary people consider themselves trans.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMwBjj85hUI&t=767s
(Nonjudgmental video narrated by trans man, concerning detransition, and why people need to destigmatize it.)
https://pflag.org/find-resources/#my-loved-one-is-transgender
(good place to start, if you are looking for additional resources and ways to support all the trans people in your life.)
https://transparentusa.org/education/
(USA-based organization that seeks to promote advocacy and understanding of trans kids and youth. Especially good place for parents to gather resources and information about what it may be like to have a trans kid.)
https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/my-partner-is-transitioning/
(article on how to be supportive of your trans romantic partner and or love interest)
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/supporting-your-partner-through-transition/
(additional article with tips on how to be supportive of your romantic partner who is trans.)
https://transequality.org/sites/default/files/docs/resources/Ally-Guide-July-2016_0.pdf
(Comprehensive document put together by trans equality.org, a trans run organization, addressing how to be an ally no matter who you are. Also offers suggestions for political action.)
https://genderrights.org.au/information-hub/transgender-for-friends/
(Article dedicated to the friends of the transgender people, and how their friends can best support them, from an organization based out of Australia. This is a useful place to start, for friends who have had a friend recently come out to them.)
Add comment
Comments